Saintfield nurse’s battle with mental health

Saintfield nurse’s battle with mental health

22 May 2019

A SAINTFIELD nurse has spoken of how the stresses of the job had such a devastating impact on her mental health that she “wanted to die”.

Rachel Healy is speaking out in the hope that other nurses and health care workers will not continue to suffer in silence.

Shocking figures have revealed that more than 300 NHS nurses have taken their own lives in just seven years. During the worst year, one nurse took their own life every week as cuts began to bite deep into the NHS.

Rachel says the pressures of her job and the added weight of not wanting to appear “weak” pushed her to the brink as she tried to balance her work/family life. She believes not enough is being done to support over-worked and underpaid health care professionals.

The mum-of-two explained: “After working as an NHS nurse for a while I found myself taking a job in a non-clinical role in order to improve my work/life balance and our family income. I was devastated to leave clinical practice as coronary care were my nursing family but I had to put my family first.

“The job was difficult and straight away I no longer felt like a real nurse. As time went on my marriage ended and my daily family life suffered further due to the immense workload, the countless hours needed to fulfil the role and the tremendous amount of stress that accompanied it. 

“My daughter and I moved into a new house together, but the job continued to dominate my entire life. I missed the ward, my colleagues and clinical practice but was unable to return as the shift patterns would not work for me as a single mother.

“In October 2018, I finally cracked under the pressure and walked out of the role and moved back home to Belfast with my parents. I engaged Christians Against Poverty to help me with a mountain of debt.

“My daughter moved back with her father as it was convenient for school and she would be with her friends and I decided to bank as a staff nurse until I could apply to be a real nurse again. Little did I know I that after bottling this stress up for so long my real troubles were only beginning.”

Rachel says working in a busy Emergency department one afternoon was the breaking point for her and when she was forced to get professional help, despite insisting to family and friends that she was “fine”.

She explained: “I was about to treat a two-year-old for an asthma attack and I gave back to back nebulisers. I was about to give him steroids when I took a panic attack. Everything went blurred and I had to be sedated by my ED colleagues.

“I was then admitted to the mental health unit for two weeks, which I felt made things worse. During my time there I observed the nurses being attacked, berated and treated like dirt. I just kept thinking I must pretend to be OK so they don’t have to deal with me too. They were overworked 

and stressed and as a fellow nurse I certainly did not want to open up and add to the pressure they were already under. 

“Once other patients found out that I too was a nurse they made life unbearable which led me to retreat more and I felt it impossible for me to get any treatment in these surroundings.

“I pretended I was OK so I could be discharged back to my parents’ house. I spent the next while pacing my parents’ house refusing to leave and feared I would never be a nurse again. But the big regret for me is the anguish I caused my family who begged me to get help.

“My mum nicknamed me ‘I’m fine’ because that was always my response when asked how I was.

“But when I was at my lowest I felt like such a failure for having to move back with my parents and both kids had to go live with their daddy and I just thought they would be better off without me.

“Eventually I was admitted to a home treatment house which was a six bedded unit run by the Trust. The day I arrived I was shocked to see other health professionals there as patients but ultimately the staff here saved my life, they were absolute angels.

“These nurses did not wear uniforms, they sat at the table with us for meals. I still wanted to die and didn’t wish to wake up every morning. I also felt I didn’t deserve help. But eventually with time and the help of the amazing multi-disciplinary team I began to see my worth as a person, nurse, mother and friend.”

The 42-year-old says that while the treatment she got was brilliant, she believes there just isn’t enough support for healthcare staff who feel “weak” asking for help.

“The support I got was great, but there just isn’t enough of it and nurses are afraid to ask for help as they’re meant to be the ones helping people so they’re meant to be stronger.

“The non clinical role was worse for me as you’re a lone worker, you don’t have a team around you, it’s very lonely and you’re on your own day in, day out.

“You’re doing your paperwork by yourself, you’re the only person who has seen the patient and can’t get advice from fellow colleagues like you can on a ward, it’s just very solitary.

“Most of the people I’ve spoken to working in the health sector are too afraid to ask for help because they will be seen as weak and are afraid they will lose their job if they speak out and tell the truth about their own mental state.

“It’s such a taboo and people I’ve spoken to, who have had to seek help like I did, said they felt like a failure and having to go into somewhere for treatment carries a label on its own.”

Whilst receiving treatment, Rachel says her financial situation worsened as she had no income and trying to navigate the benefits system added a whole new level of stress to her life, as well as dealing with the “embarrassment” of using local food banks.

“I was too ill to apply for benefits at the time so for four months, from October to February, I wasn’t receiving anything at all. Even though a patient advocate and occupational therapist tried to help me during that time I was just looking straight through them as I couldn’t even think about it.

“But when I was well enough I applied for ESA and I was told that my payments couldn’t be backdated due to their three-month rule. I tried to explain that I was too unwell to apply at the time but they denied a review. I’m now in an appeals process. I know it’s only one month’s payment but I’m sitting here with next to nothing and when you’re having to use food bank vouchers, one month’s money is a lot.

“It’s really embarrassing going into the food bank and you’re bumping into people you know because they’re shocked to see you. People assume because you’re a nurse that you’re on good money and you’re alright but it’s not the case.

“As for the Universal Credit online system, which I also tried to navigate, it’s just horrendous you need a degree to work it out and I think of people who aren’t computer literate who can’t figure it out.

“I am very computer literate and even I found it very difficult to navigate. It’s just awful. I think people then just give up because it’s too difficult to apply and they’re left with nothing.”

Whilst help is available, Rachel said she would love to see a dedicated -in centre at each hospital to support staff with their mental health without having to wait for an appointment.

“It would be amazing if every hospital had a designated team, not only one nurse or doctor but a designated team that staff could turn to without having to wait for a six months for an appointment.

“There is a call system that you can use and get six weeks’ support, but even that isn’t enough. You need people on the ground in the hospitals that people can even approach even whilst you’re on duty because making appointments in your own time just isn’t possible sometimes. My own experience was I kept saying I didn’t have time to see anyone.

“It might sound unrealistic, but I think it would work really well, not just for nurses but everyone in the hospitals like porters. They too have to put up with so much, particularly in A&E. Also for doctors as well because I think people have this misconception that doctors because they’re in a powerful position and they’re well paid people think they’re living the high-life but that’s not the case. They’re struggling too with their own mental health, like any of us can be.”

Despite the stresses and pressures of the job, Rachel is returning to her vocation as a nurse with a new role which she begins at the end of the month. But whilst still in the recovery stage of her process, she is urging anyone who is struggling to speak out and seek help.

Rachel said: “My advice really is to know your limitations, know when to ask for help. You might have got to the stage that I did where you’ll have gone past any rational thought and won’t listen to anyone and will refuse help, but I don’t want people to get to that stage where it gets so bad where they think the only way out is to die.

“It shouldn’t be like that and it shouldn’t be a stigma or a taboo no longer. You’re not a failure for asking for help, you’re actually really brave to ask for help, even though it took me a long time to realise that.

“I want to point out that nursing whilst stressful and upsetting and manic has saved my life as I am now getting back to my true vocation which, whilst stressful, is also part of what I need to help me live.

“I am still in recovery and there are days that I’m very low, but I am looking forward to starting my new job. It’s been a whole life changing situation for me that didn’t need to happen so what I would urge people to do is to look after each other. Be mindful of your friends, partners and colleagues mental state, do not be afraid to ‘ask are you OK?’

“It’s OK not to be OK so let’s break the stigma and look after our nurses, friends and loved ones holistically and make sure they know how to apply for benefits on time so they don’t lose out like I did.”